Crikey! I’ve had such a busy time this month in the Cabinet with the
Business Council that I’ve hardly had time to get out into the back yard. But here are some
spring gardening tips for you decent ordinary Australian gardeners out there.
Now’s the time to get rid of all the undesirables from your garden. This means anything
green or straggly and anything that’s not pulling its weight. Be ruthless. Shirkers can be a
particular problem as the weather warms up. You can get rid of them en masse by
undermining them until they give up. Pull them all out and take them down to the
incinerator. This will allow more choices for the more deserving plants in your garden.
Make sure you wear a good quality pair of gloves.
Pay special attention to the garden borders and remove any plants you don’t like the look
of, especially if you think they might have come from next door. Throw them back over
the fence. Sometimes a roll of barbed wire around the garden perimeter will be necessary to
deter pests.
An attractive feature for your spring garden is a nuclear waste dump. As I told Janette,
nuclear waste doesn’t just vanish into the stratosphere, ha ha. Don’t worry about the
neighbours.
Make sure you keep your garden under control this season. Rupert’s Special Media Mix is
great for vegetables. It’s full of shit, that’s the secret. You’ll be amazed. Use it every day.
You’ll also find Jonesy’s Activated Sludge is useful when sprayed about in the mornings.
Never let your tomatoes grow too close together. Remember, gardening is all about the
individual plant. Stake them firmly right away from each other and you won’t have any
problems. They’ll be orderly, they’ll be straight and they’ll be productive. Don’t let the
weak ones hide under the strong ones. Keep the young ones under control by pinching out
their shoots as they grow taller.
Tip of the week: boost your gardening budget by flogging those old bits of uranium down
the back to the Chinese. They use it in some ancient ceremony or other, I’m told. Better out
than in, I always say.
Some people ask me what my favourite spring flower is. As I told my mate Alan the other
day, those indigenous plants are certainly trendy, but you’ll find they’re quite prickly for
some reason. Janette has liked yellow roses ever since we became friendly with George and
Laura. But look, you really can’t go past the good old Petunia. It’s fair, it’s decent, it’s
practical, it’s flexible and above all, it’s Australian.
Until next issue, keep your hands clean. I do!
John
Thank you Simon, Karin, Jim, Michael, Beryl, Bett, Mark, John and Janet for your contributions to the newsletter. Thank you Jay for your website work. And thank you all those who keep the Environment Centre open.
Hello there,